If you are a reader of HudsonWiNighlife, you know that we love a good pun, but sometimes extend it too far. With that said …
It is (or was) April Fools Day. But beyond that, the third time (or day) is the charm. Or the fourth. OK, I plead the Fifth. And the Sixth. Can this pun be in Seventh Heaven? OK, Eight is Enough. Or is it …Call it an even dozen.
The city of New Richmond a few months back outlawed the so-called miracle cure from oil derived from marijuana. Seriously (for maybe the first time in this piece), don’t they have better things to do? Especially since shortly afterward, all 50 states legalized it. Forget the debate about federal vs. state, what about city vs. the entire country!
With that said, what are some other measures (vices and standard — sort of — practices?) that we understand the city is considering outlawing. To wit (can I use that term?):
I am calling some of this unjust enrichment, via price gouging. Hence the United States of Incompetent Services (USIS).
— Ban that old 80/20 hamburger, and metal ties can’t be used to sway the weight factor.
— Require eye doctor insurance, with compensation for lost wages if you can’t find what you’ve been looking at all along.
— Prohibit serving merely Iceberg lettuce, not romaine, with riders for kale and spinach.
— When serving spicy food, require a pad with therapeutic gel to protect the stomach lining.
— Disallow selling potato and carrot peels, if more then twice a month, with a one pound limit.
— And don’t forget about some stem parts of BIG tomatoes, which are allegedly toxic.
— Make places offer both sugar and the tons of the other alternatives that are generics.
— Cap the hourly fees of lawyers and doctors at $200, unless they show ability to recite their professional oath.
— Most telemarketers are paid by the word, so give them a 1000 word limit per call.
— License televangelists by having them provide matching funds of $1 million, since they have it, with no need to pray.
— Utilities can only have rate hikes every 2.5 days, or there will be a rebate in the form of free AC for an hour.
— Likewise, the cable bill is limited to a rate increase only every three weeks, as this is more entertaining.
— If your credit score is a negative number, President Trump’s approval is needed for a loan, since he is the King of Bankruptcy.
— Concerning the spare change that falls between car seats, your sofa has to absorb a “quarter” of the loss, unless it is covered by supplemental insurance.
— Lastly, some soups at the grocery store are listed as having “natural” smoke flavor. Is there such a thing?