I will now follow with New Year’s ridiculous predictions, brought to you on its sixth day to see if any have a hint of coming true. On the seventh day I rest. Then descend.
— But first … This is what happens in a walk down main street, where occasionally shows are advertised with flyers pasted to business glass windows, or the backs of stop signs, (even if they are only there in support of actual stop-and-go, red and green street lights.) The latest one seen, put up in a few small waves in downtown Hudson since last fall, constitutes the last call about the Yam Haus performance on Saturday at First Avenue.
As I strolled down the main applicable block in the downtown, I saw a handful of people inside a closed business, in what looked like a photo shoot. One immediately recognized me, a mainstay of the iconic Dibbo’s rock venue before it closed several years ago. Another, who I thought was also a veteran of the club, waved twice. The first, who said they were actually buying carpet, came out to the street and walked with me past another business or two, then we set eyes on what used to be Dibbo’s. I told her it had been the site of several restaurants, the latest of which, Bennett’s steakhouse, closed a few months ago, and the site was now up for sale, possibly in a turn-key fashion. I took a few notes from the Yam Haus flyer that we both gazed at, then we walked back, for another peak at carpet.
It’s funny in an ethnic-derived way, that I, last name Winter, am writing about a band called Yam Haus, which to continue the metaphor will be opened for tonight by a band called Laamar, (which you might think ICE would be interested in.) If the show is still going on in Minneapolis, amid the protests, but the main ones are many blocks away, doors are at 7 p.m. and music at 8. Tickets are $27, the flyer said, and its 18-plus, although OK with legal guardian. That’s also ironic, as the band is formed by Hudsonites who are not that much older and formed a fan base by playing festivals around the area.
This is their third time at the main room of First Avenue, (my counterpart said she was last there when 19), and they are playing in support of their single One Bullet Left, which shows footage shot from a pickup truck of rural roadsides in the area. —
This rest of this is satire, banned in every country of the world except Thailand, where few can read anyway, in any language. On Mars it’s Top 40 material. But in Venus passe, (she has no arms and could not type), except for other political pun pundits. They then descend too.
— Rob Reiner and Charlie Kirk will both weigh in on a posthumous death-match bout, with Trump’s White House sponsoring the card, also featuring Dethklok and other death metal, to control the actual world, and Oprah and Dr. Phil both hit the pads also to make it a weird cage match too. Kirk wins as most total letters flip it, like a ring round girl. A rematch, a ballroom blitz, is slated for the new dance hall under construction. The loser also descends.
— When all seemed lost, for a chance at Middle East peace, three wise men doth again show up in the middle of Bethlehem, bearing gold and frankincense and myrrh, but will carry mostly gold, and they are not Trump, Netanyahu and Putin, who are three peas in a pod. But definitely not the Holy Trinity. Rather, like a take on the unholy trinity, so dubbed, of Led Zeppelin, (see below), Deep Purple and Black Sabbath. So anyway, the Jewish state will be restored as the religious center of the world, by one of these three groups of three, thus bringing fulfillment of what the rabbis wanted, but then they still want more …
— All three-lettered news will be taken over by, and acquired by, and bought by, and dictated by, FOX News. There will be no more CNN or ABC or NBC or CBS or NPR, although they may leave alone CSPAN, as it is longer in both name and coverage, since few people watch it anyway, although they should.
— Trump will begin his new moonlighting career — as a porn star! But it turns out he is merely an apprentice, despite tutoring from Stormy Daniels. So he dropped the rug and pushed the limits, developing a new specialty for him — BDSM! We will in turn push the limits once more with lettering, labeling him as thus — BORING. Or to be more consistent in lettering form — BLAH. To be more puriently interesting, Trump’s name would have to be more than Holmes or Jeremy, but more like Zelenskyy, or say ZRGVEEYUKOHYF.
— Before giving more rock music criticism, Page will tell Trump to buy a six-string, although he’s probably never been at a Five and Dime, and his guitar would have to have like 16 necks sticking every which way and looking like a big weird bottom feeder fish to touch what Page does in the extended version of Stairway to Heaven. Trump grabs the wrong end of the mic, thinks it’s a wind instrument. Plant turns it off, tells both of them to shut up, then blasts out Kashmir. Trump is jealous again, and smashes the castanets until his hands bleed, which is actually quite easy to accomplish. It ends up being called one of the top Prog Rock songs of all time.
— Putin will search until the 364th day of the year to find the only building left standing in Ukraine, then is very angry that it’s a block out of reach of his drones. So he blows up a refinery instead. Oil splatters his hands. Hamas drools then goes to work building a tunnel all the way to it. Syria wants to block the drill, but doesn’t know what it is. Weird Israeli trick? Disguising new donated American technology?
— Putin will reveal in a rare podcast just what he has over on Trump. He’ll try to bring on the 700-pound Siamese twins from Russia who Trump in his earlier years managed to allegedly do at once, but they won’t fit on Putin’s Russian quality TV screen. With Trump added in, Bad Boy reputation enhanced and doing an encore, Putin would need two more wide screens and not for Trump’s unit. Putin then finds mere audio won’t convey the aura. And his technology will not allow for virtual sniffing. Biden could help. Obama abstains. Musk and crew could help with pixel quality.
— The world’s longest strip mall will be built, extending from Ohio, oddly, across the ocean and sea to cross Greece, but stops directly at a north-south line connecting the two warringest countries in the world. Couldn’t fully insure extending the mall. Harder than Goin’ to California and its wildfires. But destruction is destruction, unless you’re an adjuster.
— China will try to heighten its plummeting birth rate by taxing condoms and contraceptives, (like a method a Democrat might do), so they can take over the world before the Muslims make their full bid. Go ask Europe. I have an idea. Reintroduce Christianity and its mantra of Be Fruitful and Multiply. Natural Family Planning could fit into the picture.
Wait, that last tax, (introductory reference to the last graph), has already been applied, just the other day! Go Karmac the Great!