Just in case you missed the reference at the end of the previous headline, SCTV, the quasi-imaginary network that was the platform for a comedy show that started the careers of among others, John Candy — and you gotta love his bumbling character alongside Steve Martin in that landmark holiday fare, Planes Trains and Automobiles, but you want him to only look like John Madden and not do play-by-play as only all of my in-laws are more annoying — promised to broadcast only a sport that is the ultimate in boredom as recompense for not making lots of monetary donations. Its TV exec threatened that “on air” unless certain goals of dollars were obtained … “we’ll give you more soccer!” Take that PBS and all its Celtic Women.
It may be fitting that the exec pretended to be in a wheelchair while behind his desk, so as far as supposed level of athleticism his lack of offensive skill would be as offensive as 7-on-7 soccer going to 11-on-11 — four more defenders so even less scoring. Or from the other night the Vikings-Bears, same number of players on the field but a score more like baseball. Hey Dish, if you want to bring back offended subscribers to Channel 11, that is not the show to showcase.
With that, two more of Holiday Joe’s boredom-packed grab-bag entries:
— Is it shining brightly or a dim bulb? All the cool, and they are, ornaments given to Muddy Water’s music club and there are no blues here are snap-shotted — is that a word? — and stacked one after another on their web page as a thank you. You have to scroll down about seven times; good number for this holiday favor.
— Had to mail out a present last minute, with the main part of the gift being a package that leads off with a pair of her fave salted nut rolls, not fruit cake sticks — is that a dessert? — that brought the thickness to three-quarters inch. Caught the mail carrier just in time, where is that darned tape and I needed a lot, and he said the parcel would be returned because of being a half-inch past the thickness threshold, North Pole can’t handle the load. So I have to take it to either the Post Office or County Market, where they will demand not only added postage but required proprietary purchase of their own proprietary fruitcake. Just kidding. (I was impressed that I didn’t lose credit for the five stamps I’d already put on, figuring that with the card and a couple of cookies, I could take the stated 1.8 ounces of each small nut roll and do the math and be just under weight for the one-ounce-value-I-think stamps, each and every one. But no. Yes. No. One of the stamps was torn and would not count toward the total. But I was told that I could apply for an Each And Every Post Office Has A Scissors On Hand That Could Be The Real Culprit-Of-The-Cut Refund/Rebate/Grant. Then after I mail that in, I would only be down an added 48 cents. That only after I actually receive said refund/rebate/grant by, of course, the mail. And the mail can be slow. Pony Express takes a total 36-hour holiday, 37 if in the wrong time zone, I’m told. Huh?
OK, I do feel really bad about all the added bah humbug humor. But I hope it made you laugh and helps you gear up for a raucous New Year’s. (And if you need non-traditional cheer, see the Notes From The Beat Department). But until then, and hope you can can your Xmas merriment in a more standard way if that is your mode, sincerely, Merry Christmas.