Only a fool would pass up the chance to read the following column! Unless, of course, you think it’s all just an April Fools Day prank.

— On April Fool’s Day, a car on First Street got the treatment, not to a car wash but having dozens of cotton balls stuck to its hoods and doors. This caused the patrons of Dick’s Bar and Grill, when they were told, to wonder if it happened to be there’s that was thus pranked. I also wondered aloud what the cotton balls symbolized and was told — duh — that there had been a chance of snow. Chad behind the bar had an even better prank to tell, conducted by one of his former co-workers who now has an office job. The guy put up a sign on the copier that said the firmware had been changed and that its operation is now voice activated. You can imagine the laughs that brought; suffice it to say a lot of people were caught talking to the copier, and going on and on and on. This also prompted me to tell Chad that at my advanced age, sometimes my firmware has great trouble being activated. Chad’s other April Fool’s Day mention: A guy who lives near an inactive volcano, obviously not locally, hauled to the top of it a whole bunch of tires and set them on fire, causing a scene that really startled his neighbors. Lastly, a man was profiled on the television news for a prank with another kind of drink. He affixed a cup of coffee to his car roof and drove around all day, causing people including a cop to pull him over and alert him, assuming he’d forgotten it there.
— Two men were sitting at Green Mill and talking about crazily celebrating St. Patrick’s Day in St. Paul, particularly at Alary’s, the notorious former strip club that is now a Chicago Bears bar — yes, you read that right — and also is the unofficial law enforcement and firefighter bar of the Twin Cities. Oh, and did I mention that the female servers wear bikinis, causing Eddie Vetter of Pearl Jam to say it has the most beautiful women in the Cities, and to make it a point to stop in whenever he has an area concert. One of the men at Green Mill noted that he lives in the apartments near Alary’s, which does indeed have a Hudson connection. At least seven of the women who have worked there are from the Hudson area, and one of my longtime friends, Bree, went on to a successful modeling career. Also, it was a Hudson women and worker who took legal action after the Vulcans made one of their stops by and their leader on that trip allegedly sexually assaulted her.
— Green Mill had four featured Irish drinks around the St. Patrick’s Day holiday that all told were made with 12 different ingredients. Also, Hefty’s in Bayport had an Irish drink that had six different ingredients in one glass alone.
— Also on St. Patrick’s Day, many of the dozens of hats, traditional and otherwise, that were hung all over the ceiling at Guv’s Place in Houlton were distributed to prize winners — but the proprietor had to get on a ladder to do so. That was also needed to access the green themed T-shirts they sold out of. An example was the one that said “World’s tallest leprechaun.”
— Seen at Dick’s on that day was a man with a green vest, to go with ear studs that also had been colored green. And over at Ellie’s on Main, a woman sported a miniskirt that was accented by white stockings adorned with dozens of Irish insignias.
— During the championship college hockey tournament, which was being aired at Dick’s, the Minnesota Gophers played a team named the Beavers. Would that make this the Rodent Bowl, I asked the bartenders? The response: It could be worse, as far as not striking fear into the hearts of the opponent, as the other Oregon team is nicknamed the Ducks.

Green themes, and green shoes …
— As a prelude to St. Patrick’s Day in Bayport, bartender Ginger led the the green theme with a great big shamrock
medallion at the end of her necklace. Reminds of the largest silver cross I’ve ever seen, the size of a songbird, at the
end of some bling on a homeboy on a weekend at Dick’s Bar and Grill. Much like you’d see on the recent Fat Tuesday.
— As told by Green Mill bartender “Sketchy,” who also goes by other aliases: On the last St. Patrick’s Day it was in
the 80s — that’s temps not the decade — and he and his wife went sunbathing on Beer Car Island. He got a real good
burn, and that’s not from the kind of shots he dispenses.
— It also was the time of year for the Oscars, and two actresses wore virtually the exact same red glowing gown on the
Red Carpet, a similarity that was featured on daytime talk shows the following afternoon. Much like when guitarists Jeff
Loven and Geno wore the exact same green, Converse-style tennis shows one Sunday night. I asked Jeff later on the night
of the Oscars if he was nominated for anything, and he answered “not this year.”
— One of my favorite local pubs was out of the beer, Farmer’s Daughter, which happens to have a square top on top of
its tap. That meant there could be no signature plastic glass placed over the top to show it was unavailable; that would
be putting a square peg in a round hole, so to speak, so a small paper sign had to be made. Likewise when PBR went out,
and prompted me to blog a while back that those signature letters marked an attempt to put it in a different container,
hence Pabst Box Rendition. Or at this later time near bar time, maybe they actually stand for Personal Beer Rejection.
— St. Patrick’s Day started early at Green Mill, Wednesday to be exact, with specialty drinks extending through Sunday
such as the Kinky Wolfman, Candied Carmel Apple, Candy Bar Bulldog and Oatmeal Cookie. A party with deejay Dug E Fresh
was to follow on Sunday. One other creative drink name, Bob’s Little Leprechaun at Hefty’s in Bayport, makes one sigh at
the obnoxiousness of the Minnesota Department of Transportation (or is that Public Safety) and its anti-drunken driving
PSAs where a leprechaun gets pulled over for having a wee bit too much. Granted, we all want to keep drunks off the
road, but arresting one of the little people — except for possibly being underage or underheight — is really uncool.
— At Pudge’s Bar, the first place over the St. Croix River for off-sale liquor, bulk specials are being featured for all kinds of Irish fare including dark beer, as the Minnesotans they cater to will be suffering from the implications of the Gopher State being an off-sale dry state on St. Patrick’s Day, which is a Sunday.

— In the recent karaoke competition at the Bungelow Inn in Lakeland, one of the prime competitors afterward slow danced

his sweetie — all while singing Sinatra with a microphone positioned between their throats.

Going Gaga, and others, with style:
— When Lady Gaga played in the Twin Cities recently, partying down as well as dressing up was a young Hudson man, who at 6-foot-4 stood at more than seven feet when including the high heels. His outfit stood tall enough that he was pictured in the next day’s edition of the St. Paul Pioneer Press. Reminds me of the time a gentleman who frequents Dick Bar and Grill and stands about seven feet — he looks like one of the former Timberwolves — was dancing with a woman who was also about 6-foot-4. Could this be a case of the NBA meets the WNBA?
— Two kickball teams were recently at the Village Inn, and while they are sponsored by Agave Kitchen also decided to support the Village, and hang with their friendly competitors who hail from there. David Beckham has nothing on these guys and they often dress up for the fifth quarter, including — again — a tall guy in heels. Some of the kickball players have also checked out Jeff Loven at Dicks’s after a Sunday game, and have dressed up in things such as a Viking with horned headgear turned at 90 degrees, and in an obligatory way the members of Kiss. There were three of them, so one member of the rock quartet had to be left out.
— Agave’s Kitchen’s Andrea and Sam were shooting darts at Ground Zero while with a couple of men who were showing off their tattoos. One guy in particular was dressed to the nines in suit and tie and had to roll up the sleeves of his dress shirt and suit coat to display the one he’d just gotten.
— It was Bungalow Idol at that restaurant and bar in Lakeland, courtesy of karaoke-meister Lori, but it was her longime patron Dave that was the star of the engagement. He proposed to his girlfriend (she said yes) between songs. This night was the culmination of several weekends of semifinals, and in at least one of the semis and in the finals, Lori said the scorecard between the top few singers was in a whisper of each other. That may have made all the difference, as there were enough singers that some of them actively debated the merits of going first, near the middle, or last.
— Word came down that Riverfest — the St. Paul version rather than the one at Somerset — will not be featuring Tool, the art-metal band that stole the show last summer. That means that the closest you could get to seeing Tool was at Dibbo’s a few years back, when the tribute band 10,000 days rocked the house on several occasions, complete with a lead singer who looked just like Woody Harrelson, the Cheers actor who also has a band on the side. A friend of mine who used to frequent Ellie’s on Main told me that the next time “10,000” was in town, I should come get her to notify her of the occasion and she’d jump ship and take in the show with me.

Of deerly held singers and less dearly held puns …
— Jeff Loven, the ultimate one-man-band, said that he played Whitetails Bar out in the sticks near Webster over the holidays, and while driving back actually struck not only a bunch of chords, but an actual whitetail! He didn’t even make it five miles before the mishap. Which led patrons for whom he was playing at Dick’s Bar to wonder out loud: Where is Jeff’s van? Is he on tonight or is it a redo of the Sunday night before Christmas, when Dick’s was closed to the public for their annual Christmas party, surely the social event of the season.
— Singer-guitarist Chris, who frequently does cameos locally with both Jeff and Saving Starz but has for quite a while backed off of the scene, said that back in the day when he was a wee pup of 19, he was an opening act for the likes of Pat Travers, Trixster and Slaughter. In recent days, he’s been frequently paired off with singer Tawny, as I reported earlier, but I didn’t know until recently that despite some challenging song choices, they had never performed or even rehearsed together before.
— The way to serve my favorite brew at Guv’s Place in Houlton, PBR, has changed, I was told it’s no longer served in a bottle. Is a can all right, I was asked? Sure, just don’t put it in front of me in a box because it could leak. Unless, the bartender noted, you drink it really fast. Maybe PBR actually stands for Pabst Box Rendition!
— The musicians at Dick’s Bar noted that a person who came on and did a cameo was playing an authentic Les Paul guitar. The topic soon shifted to the Beatles. Which made me quip to my buddy, who has heard it all before from me and usually rolls his eyes, what is John Lennon’s greatest wish? The answer, Less Paul, as in bandmate McCartney. My friend, much to my surprise, said he really liked that one.
— The bar conversation recently at Green Mill turned to the next of Tiger Woods’ romantic attachments, the world class downhill skier from St. Paul. It was immediately decided that more information was needed, so a guy did an internet search that took a little longer than you would thing, since the new object of his affection goes by Vonn, not Vaughn. (And we’re hoping that would not be double-V, actor Vince Vaughn. That would be creepy).
— On the other end of town, an announcement on the sign at Kozy Korner made me wonder. It touted a surprise birthday party for someone named Sam. Now if this is supposed to be a surprise …

Of all things Green and Gold, and now more than ever Purple and Gold:
— With the Vikings beating up on the Packers to gain a playoff berth, the Purple fans recently were in the unique position of having the upper hand. At Guv’s Place in Houlton, the featured fans included one with an extraordinarly real looking set of two-foot-long horns, and a cutie in a — fitting — Adrian Peterson jersey who at prime junctures would stand on her barstool and wave a three-foot-long Purple banner designed like a set of goalpost uprights. Meanwhile, at the every-corner-packed Village Inn in North Hudson, a Viking fan had another two-foot-long horn — and was blowing loudly on this one — and it also looked vintage.
— The question came up in conversation: In Wisconsin we have cheese as our claim to fame. What does Minnesota have? The answer was “10,000 Lakes.” However, as the recent sign at Kozy Korner in North Hudson pointed out, Wisconsin actually has more lakes than the Gopher State, but they stole the glory, maybe out of jealosy about Cheeseheads. Then the sign concluded: “Take that Nerds.”
— The Packer-Viking game, part two, playoff version, is likely to be the event of the season at sports bars such as the Village Inn. So will extra staff be needed there, even more so than usual on game day? “All hands will be on duty,” came the response.
— One of the highlights of Jess’ birthday party at Guv’s on Friday was a acoustic, of all things, rendition of Jimi Hendrix’ Purple Haze by guest guitarist Chris and singer Tony of Saving Starz fame. “This is the first time ever that this song has been done acoustically,” was the way Chris introduced it, authoritatively. Ax-man Geno of Saving Starz had planned to ask Chris if he knew All Along the Watchtower by Hendrix, and if I could sing it, as its the tune I’d cut my teeth with as far as singing with bands, and Geno had wanted to collaborate with me. Chris said, predictably, that it had been a long time and that he’d forgotten some chords. Geno added that the guy always says that about song requests then proceeds to “totally shred them” on guitar. Meanwhile, I confided with Geno that for some time, I’d been hankering to revisit the earlier, cranked-up Joe Winter version of the song, not the scaled back version that he’d heard. To which a surprised Geno said: “What, that’s the scaled back version?”

Look-alikes for Ozzy and purple Santas are seen:

— A bartender at Hefty’s Roadhouse in Bayport has a father who is a dead ringer for Ozzy Osbourne, is about the same age and draws lots of attention for doing his songs in karaoke. That’s much like the ultimate Ozzy tribute-band singer, Michael Ault, who used to bring his act to Dibbo’s and is endorsed by Ozzy himself. Ault even has all the same tattoos in all the right places and would stay in character and BECOME OZZY even throughout his set breaks. And now that Ozzfest is basically defunct for this area, maybe that’s the closest we’ll get to him, after back in the day Ozzy was known to stay overnight at the Best Western Hudson House Inn.
— Two Viking sightings stood out when Minnesota had their big win over the highly ranked Houston Texans. A fan left Dick’s Bar and Grill dressed to the nines in suit and tie, but that tie that was shown off by an open jacket and was totally Viking purple. He also had a Santa hat that was much the same color and style. Then, just outside Historic Casanova Liquors, a customer had her picture taken with a lifesize, inflatable Viking player — and leaned over too far and partially collapsed it. Casanova’s has for several years posted both an inflatable Viking and Packer right next to one another during football season. If one team or another has an especially bad loss, that player is turned around to show their back, as if to hang their head in shame.
— Late in the evening of the day when the awful news was aired about the scores of elementary school students being gunned down, a worker who deals with such things was especially struck by the tragedy. She works as an advocate with the state of Minnesota to provide counseling in such situations, and was pondering the events of the day at Guv’s Place in Houlton. She said that if the shootings had been done anywhere in the state of Minnesota, she wouldn’t be at Guv’s during the course of that weekend, rather logging lots of time on the site so she could work with the grieving.

Of The Voice and whether (such shows) will truly end life as we know it …

— The third-place singer on The Voice, Nicholas David of Eagan, Minn., has a good friend who works at a group home in the town of Hudson and even has been known to emulate him when singing Sinatra-style karaoke at Bo’s ‘n Mine in River Falls. The guy mentioned early on that — despite his well-referenced humility — the Eagan man is like many contestants and doesn’t use his real name when performing. But he can kick it out on the piano and when surrounded by bursts of fire while doing Hendrix, becoming one of several musicians with Hudson ties to make headway on American Idol and other such contests.
— I’m guessing that the world has not come to an end after all, but the last time there was such a scare, it was toasted at the Village Inn in North Hudson. After all, if the dooms-dayers are right, it’s time to run up a monster tab and not have to worry about ever paying for it. (It has been suggested that if you read the fine print, the aliens legally have to pick up any lingering debts of the people they blow to smithereens). On the down side, there is a sign on the Village Inn wall that says “Free Beer — Tomorrow.”
— It’s also the holiday season, which meant at least three Ugly Sweater contests, which were held at various times of the evening, afternoon and even in one case late morning. Showcasing their questionable taste were Woody’s in Bayport — which was packed full with nattily dressed patrons — the Green Mill and Pudge’s. Seen were a woman dressed as a Christmas tree, complete with lights and decorations that included beer cans, (empty we assume), as well as a man who literally was walking with a candy cane, which one hopes never gets stuck to the fuzz on his obnoxious shirt. There was also more of a liederhosen theme than you’d expect.
— Singer Tawny and guitarist Chris got up on stage during the Jeff Loven show recently, and although not having worked with each other prior to this, get kudos for a spirited version of the hard-to-sing-number “Message in the Bottle” by The Police.
— Rock singer Amy Lee just turned 31, but an area man must think she’s not yet reached a point where having to hold at 29. He claims that after a Somerset mega-rock concert, he and five others found themselves in bed with the veritable songstress. With the man’s bravado you have to wonder, but he seemed pretty confident in his story.

There are three places or events that, sadly, will no longer be on the beat:
— After years of karaoke that took place regularly at the Sports Club, the singing that was held last Saturday will be the last call … at least for a while. The restaurant and bar had held karaoke either weekly or monthly, without hardly ever missing a beat, going back to the early days of Jams by James, who was one of the first practitioners in this area and gave rise to others. But now its being discontinued, at least for now, because of cost issues concerning licenses.
— It seems there is no one in Hudson who does not know Monique, of Pub Monique fame. The place was very popular in Stillwater for a couple of years, and a lot of Hudsonites went there, if for no other reason than to say hello to the proprietor. Then they would come back here and share stories of lore concerning their trip, like the guy at the bar atDick’s Bar and Grill who said, how did that go again, that a close relative of his ex-wife went to high school with Monique back in the day. But alas, the pub has closed because the rent was too high.
— Last weekend marked the first time in years that North Hudson’s Al Heidenreich did not cook up all the wonderful food and drink for his twice annual Packer-Viking game party. The booya was only the start, however, as Heidenreich turned his entire basement and multiple additions to his house into a great big sports bar, with one room of it flowing into another, for football parties extraordinary. The big additions were outside without walls, but more like the Metrodome than Lambeau, were well heated and had TVs stuck into the rafters. For one party, he even made his driveway into a replica of the Metrodome. But what might be the most over-the-top thing Heidenreich did was lug another replica, a lifesize one of the Stanley Cup, around to all the local sports bars and get it autographed by dozens and dozens of fans.
— Carmen Electra was on one of the talk shows the other day, and talk came around to her ex, basketball player and actor Dennis Rodman. A friend of mine who is an on-again, off-again regular downtown is a friend of Rodman’s, having met him at a photo shoot. They still keep in touch. Ironically, on the talk show the topic shifted from Electra and Rodman to an audience member asking how many piercings are too many. Rodman probably would have an opinion on that question.
— Hanging out at Ellie’s on Main can be profitable. A bouncer there said he found just laying on the floor a diamond earring and a token for a free drink at Woody’s in Bayport. Not being a regular there, gave the token to me. Thank God he decided not to toss the earring my way.
— A few days later, at the Village Inn, a friend of mine named Joe volunteered to buy a drink for (1) himself, (2) another regular named Joe and (3) myself, also being named Joe. I had been expecting a fourth Joe, who is really into fishing, and could have fished for a free drink himself if he had already been there. Depending on the drink of choice, that could have made for — drum roll please — four cups of joe.

Winter is soon to arrive, and you’ll see that around the area:

— It is that time of year when the college students at River Falls still dress to party, not for the cold, when they walk to the bar district and go out. You’ll see a lot of short dresses with high heels, and guys with T-shirts, more so than is likely in another month or two. Or is that the case? Last February, I encountered a young man who was wearing a very thin T-shirt, having flown in from Africa earlier that evening. Around bar time it just got too cold, and he ducked into Bubba’s kitchen for some warmth and some hot fried chicken.
— Talk about cross-marketing. The Agave Kitchen, Dick’s Bar and Grill, and Coach’s in River Falls are among those who have added a bit of advertising/decor to the tables on which people dine. Part of the decorating is hundreds and hundreds of business cards for local establishments laminated and then tucked under the glass, so people can see where they want to do some shopping — for the holidays or otherwise — while they dine or have a brew.
— At Dibbo’s on Friday was a packed house for the diversely-themed, fourth annual Industry Party and food drive, hosted by Believe Music Productions and Leviticus Martin, with original music by 14 Clicks, The Dead Flowers, The Sisseez and David Yellen Band. People could bring a non-perishable food item for free entry. There was an acoustic trio, another band with a standup bass and brightly painted fiddle, and don’t forget the Sisseez themselves, which featured a longtime local musician named Ted, who plays the drums and much more and was one of the members in signature white-button-down shirt and tie.
— Say it ain’t so, Angus! The pinball machine at Dick’s is Ac/DC themed, and numerous of their hit songs were linked to accumulated-point-value prizes — all listed on a display in alphabetical order. I kinda like these guys, so I wanted to see as many of their songs listed as possible. I know there are bigger issues to worry about, such as world peace, but I was a bit concerned to see the gap in listings between “Let There Be Rock” and “Rock ‘N Roll Train.” There were no other hits mentioned between those opening capital letters of “L” and “R.” But then it picked up again with “S’ and “T.”
— A friend named Shannon, who has bartended at places downtown, is quite well informed about the extreme metal scene and really dresses the part, and said that at a recent multi-band show she attended in the Cities, it wasn’t the big-name headliner that impressed her the most. Shannon said that Machinehead was the group that really rocked the house.

Sing a tune in honor of bands both local and national:
— Wednesday lived up to its reputation as one of the biggest party nights of the year when James Zachary played at Uncle Mike’s Em Pour E Yum, with music that could best be described as from American-made artists. There can be exceptions, though, with James, such as songs from Nickelback out of Canada, Green Day and Black Eyed Peas.
— Ah yes, Nickelback. I my early days as a reviewer, I was in occasional contact with people from their initial record label in New York, Roadrunner Records, which later went on to feature many prominent metal and hard rock acts. I even got the label’s promo materials and demos in the mail. Some cool free stuff.
— A Willy Nelson tribute band, Billy and the Willie’s, also took the stage on Wednesday at the Village Inn, featuring a female singer, and not one, not two, but three male musicians who I swear look just like Nelson himself, plus a very creative use of keyboards. There was plenty of room for requests and dance music, and the band even tried to get the proprietor to come on stage and sing some Travis Tritt.
— To change styles, how would you actually define “thrash?” One beautiful girl band member, who said she gave up the ghost a half-year ago because of the constraints of her day job, offered a wide-ranging answer to that question in a recent conservation at Dick’s Bar and Grill. We both love the old school metal, but she said that even Joan Jett’s sharp-edged lyrics could fit that “thrash” category. Metallica beware!
— Has anyone seen Kami out and about? One of the last time’s I encountered her was when planning what was her somewhat annual post-Thanksgiving party. It was billed in a way we all can relate: After tolerating your weird relatives all day on Thursday, spent some time with people you really like afterward. And her place was just up the hill, only a little bit, from the bar district, very conveniently along Third Street near the fire hall. And Kami, if you bring back this bonanza, this time I promise not to loose my keys enroute and have to try to bum a ride.
— Since it’s hunting season, I offer this tale: In order to backtrack to Hudson after socializing at Woody’s Bar and and Grill in Bayport, I swing around the entire four corners of a block to return to the main drag, an area frequented by deer. One time recently, a young buck ran a short distance ahead of my car and before I could even turn on my blinkers, turned corner after corner to keep running in front of me. Apparently — how appropriate — a deer with a death wish!
— Talk about being two-faced, or having eyes in back of your head. A man taking in pre-holiday music at Dick’s, with a bald head and just a bit of facial hair, had the face of a skull tattooed on the back of his head. All the better to see the band with!